The First. The Only?

I'm starting a blog.  I don't really know why other than I feel that I need to get some words out, express some thoughts, work through some things and create something.  I am not starting a blog because I feel that I have much to say to anyone in particular or much to teach or some kind of inner knowledge or strength to offer anyone, but to offer myself a place to voice my thoughts and possibly let someone else out there know they aren't alone in their struggles or on this journey. 

I've been reading Ann Voskamp's blog at www.aholyexperience.com and have been so moved and helped by her beautiful words.  She is gracious in exposing herself - her insecurities, her questions, her faith and is just lovely.  I'd never read a blog post until last week.  My husband and I have been 'going though it' as a friend of mine so eloquently puts it and another friend began to send me links to blogs that have helped her, comforted her, made her think and helped her work through 'it' when she's feeling weighed down.  Lately, I've been feeling weighed down.  


I'd gotten to a point last week where I was tired and sick of it all.  I was finger wagging, mouth moving, ranting at God sitting in my cubicle at my new job.  Thank goodness no one saw me because they would have thought I was a TOTAL loon!  I was tired of feeling like a loser, tired of feeling like my husband and I had a giant cosmic bulls eye on our backs and I was fed up!  I ranted and raved and asked WHY?  I yelled (well, in my head at least - lips mouthing the words) and fussed and told God I was DONE.  You know what happened?  At that moment I realized that I was the one not listening.  God had patiently been sitting next to me the whole time, walking this path with me and I had shut down.  My heart wasn't open and my mind wasn't open.  I hadn't been bending my knee and bowing my head in prayer.  I'd been going along thinking I could figure it out on my own.  Until I had my little rant and realized I couldn't do this alone - I realized I didn't have to and I wasn't.  When I opened up myself - God brought friends, blogs, books, poetry and my heart began to thaw.  


I was and still have a tendency to be in bondage to fear.  I come up with the worst case scenario on a daily basis.  I hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am held back from fear.  My friend Erin suggested reading some poetry for our community group book club.  She loves the poet Hafiz and just by chance I had the book, 'The Gift' Poems by Hafiz - Translated by Daniel Ladinsky.  One of the poems she suggested was 'Your Mother and My Mother.'  I sat down, cracked open this book I had bought 9 years ago without EVER looking at and hear is what I read:


Your Mother and My Mother
Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living 
In better conditions, 


For your mother and my mother
Were friends.


I know the Innkeeper
In this part of the universe.
Get some rest tonight, 
Come to my verse again tomorrow.
We'll go speak to the Friend together.


I should not make any promises right now, 
But I know if you 
Pray
Somewhere in this world-
Something good will happen.


Gods wants to see
More love and playfulness in your eyes
For that is your greatest witness to Him.


Your soul and my soul
Once sat together in the Beloved's womb
Playing footsie.


Your heart and my heart
Are very, very old
Friends. 


I sat dumbfounded.  I felt like this was written just for me.  Just for this time.  I began to think how corrosive fear is.  How it steals so much from us.  How God never intends us to live in fear but to live boldly and to live joyfully.  But it's hard sometimes.  It's hard when you feel life is closing in on all sides.  It's hard when you experience loss.  It's hard when love is hard to find and harder to give.  It's hard when you focus only on this life and circumstances and you feel your being consumed.  I have to be reminded and to keep reminding myself not to focus on the crisis, but to focus on Christ.  The fear, the insecurity, the sadness, the longing for things that matter in this world (car, house, money, vacations) have absolutely NOTHING to do with what God intends for me or Christ dying for me.  So I keep reminding myself, keep reminding myself, keep reminding myself...